After all of that, I still want him

The day I met I know he was the one. just that the one! He had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen, his legs were gorgeous and he was very smart but he was short. I remember looking at him and thinking ‘this guy would be a good match for my friend’. 2 months later I found myself drawn to him, I wanted to be near him all the tine, show him I am smart too, show him how pretty I am. I didn’t realize I was falling for him until one day I was telling him about my dreams and my family and everything about me and my deepest darkest secrets. He was older and became my confidant and mentor of sone sort.

Then one day he bought me a gift (it was a book). I was excited he had listened to me and rememberf I loved books. Then he asked to come visit my house. He arrived late in the evening with dinner and we spoke for hours even forgetting we had work the next morning. He left after midnight, we didn’t kiss nor hug just a long friendly visit.

The visits became frequent until one day we kissed. After he kissing he got up from the bed and sat on a chair aand started sobbing. I was so terrified!! Did I bite him? What happened? I went and sat next to him and asked him what was wrong? He said nothing and continued crying. That was just awkward but I just comforted him and thought when he is ready he would tell me. 6 months into the relationship we got intimate for the first time. Never have   I ever been with a gentler and more sensual man! At this point I was in love!! We travelled together to many places and  we were so in love. I felt safe with him and figured if I were to ever marry someone it would be him.

After a year of dating I went home and tried to introduce the idea of getting married to my dad. He asked me ‘why do you want to get married?’ to which I answered ‘ cause I am in love! He told me that’s not reason enough to get married. money, security, an established man, those are the reasons to get married cause love is not constant. I listened to him but that didn’t change my mind in the least! I was going to marry him! I knew ours was different.

He calls me from home and tell there is something he needs to tell me. He says this will be the defining moment in our relationship. I get excited thinking this it! He is going to propose! We go away for the weekend to the nicest hotel we had ever been to. I don’t want to ask lest I ruin the surprise, until Sunday morning when I wake and still don’t have a ring on my finger. I ask him to tell me what’s up? He just stares at me for the longest time and starts sobbing! What’s this? What’s wrong? Are you dying? Am I dying? Are we breaking up? No answer!

Until he stops crying and holds my hands telling me how much he loves and wants only me in the world. With me by his side he can conquer everything. I must just promise him that no matter what happens or whatever he tells me I will never leave him. I promise! I promise! He clears his throat and tells me ‘ I am HIV positive, I think it’s time you knew’. What the f**k now? Who now? WHAT????? Say that again??? HOW? WHO? Did I hear you correctly?

I wish I could say I knew that the day I met him, but I didn’t! I took my vows though for better or worse! He passed away after three wonderful years together and left me!!! I am just grateful he told me when he did…,