The stories I am too ashamed to tell!

I woke up this morning very blue! I am in foreign country on a journey of love and self discovery, yet here I am all lonely and feeling stuck! If I was home I would drive from wherever I was to my grandma and just get a hug.

Since writing is my healing, I will write what I feel as it comes.

I am happy for 2018, really I am. I don’t have any goals that have to happen now because it’s 2018. I have had dreams for the longest time that must happen before I turn 30! It seemed so far, until now!!! On the fourth of June, I am 30!!!! F*ck!!!

It’s like there is beating in my heart, not the beautiful drumming you feel when you are in love.

This is a violent, heart pounding, knock which leaves me with my mouth open trying to breath! It’s as if my heart is pregnant! Pregnant of a fire breathing dragon!

Then there is an ocean in my eyes that just won’t stop flowing.

My mind and my ego won’t let me forget how dismally I have failed at achieving the things I said I would by 30!

“You should have changed jobs by now, but look at you!” “You should have had a kid by now”, I didn’t even know this was something I wanted until this morning! “You should have had a clearer blueprint for your life, come on you are old! 30!!”

I have no answers for all of these things, but here’s what I know:

• I love what I do now, despite that I didn’t like it at 23 and needed an escape plan. So ya! Shut up ego!
• I may not have a child and a family but I didn’t know I wanted that until this morning. So while I am alive, give me a chance to do it. You know I am still alive, right?
• I’ve never been one to have very clear blueprints about anything! Expecting me to start now, that’s a bit of a stretch!
• I will take better care of myself! I know ego, you keep reminding me I should since I am old! Fine I will do it! On my terms though!
• You (ego) messed up my relationship you bitch! Yes he has own pride too but the games you played with my heard were fucked up! You like to see me miserable and that’s not fair! This ocean in my eyes, I am drying it and doing what I should have done ages ago! “Dearest Ego, SHUT THE FUCK UP, I AM GOING AFTER MY MAN!” There!!!! I said! Yesterday you kept me from seeing him because it’s a principle but I was miserable! You bitch!!!!

If I were to have this year’s resolution it would be the ability to call out my ego’s crap! It keeps me miserable and wallowing in self hatred and pity all the time! So I will just talk to that mean bitch, nicely at first and firmly if needed, at least I have started so let’s see!

See I feel better already! So here’s to another of writing to keep sane!

Happy New Year everyone, what is your resolution?

rachel

NB: In case anyone ever wonders how I look, that’s me! I took those this morning! In the next lifetime I will develop a camera that can take soul pictures! At that moment ( when the pictures were taken) mine was very dormant! It was my other friend ego!