My best friends and me

My best friends and me,

We sit and drink wine together

We read James Baldwin together

We cry together

We have a messy relationship

We have a beautiful relationship

We love each other

We hate each other

Yet, I love my friends dearly

Always

We

Thoughts of a child-free 34 year old

I think of my life as brief experience of Gods creation. A chance to rest in Gods love, to touch and observe the beauty he has made. As an observer, I therefore I don’t want to leave trails and proof of me having been here. I am offering my gifts, talents and observations but I don’t think I am of this world. I think I am just gathering information for my next life to increase the wisdom of the next phase. It makes sense then that I chose to be child free. Lately however, I find myself scared of the future. I am scared I won’t have anyone to take care of me when I am older. I don’t want to burden people, I want to always be healthy and fit. Is it really possible? What if I get very lonely? These are all questions I have to answer. These thoughts have not made feel like I need kids though, I think we all have our purpose in life. Mine doesn’t involve being a mother though.

It will be interesting to know if done child free people have the same questions or even answers

Rachel

On death

Death is more painful and we feel more in death

Partly because death can be a beautiful ending

An envy for the dead,

A realisation that at least they are at rest…

Rest, the ever elusive search

In the rat race, we all long for rest.

But we have dreams unfinished

We have goals to fulfil

We have a life to live

Not in half,

In full!!!

Since we haven’t come back from the dead,

Our envy must be limited

We should focus on living…

Sure we can wish for rest,

At these times, it is necessary to rest.

Recharge and start again

Rachel

Star-crossed

It’s as if you enjoy hurting me

When I want you,

You don’t want me.

When you want me,

I don’t want you.

What is up with that, my love?

It hurts

I plan our reconciliation,

You will come for me,

I will let you in.

Yet, always you are occupied.

You come for me,

Grand gestures and everything,

And I am the one who is occupied.

Despite the hurt we have caused each other,

Despite the pain.

Despite the tears,

Despite the heartbreak,

All of it…

My heart still wants you.

In these moments,

My heart longs for you.

Despite my blue eyed lover,

My heart longs for you…

Is it really my heart, I wonder.

We made sense.

You match my intellect,

Not my body though.

You match the aesthetic,

Not my life though,

You match all of it,

Yet you match nothing at all…

I am therefore letting you go my sweet-sweet love

My elusive love

The love I will never have

The love that was never meant to be

Good bye sweetheart

Love

Rachel

Love cravings

Love cravings

I am craving a sweet love

Silly, stupid, no safety net love

Foolish love

No worries about the future love

Summer love

Coldplay/billie kinda love

I am craving a connection

Uncomplicated

Simple

Beautiful

Silly

Honest

Free

I want all of this and more…

Rachel

If this is incoherent, it’s because the kind of love I am craving is. It’s stupid and beautiful love in its raw form!!!

Rachel

God is everywhere

God can be found anywhere you are

He is after all, everywhere we are

Today I found him in a concert, healing my broken heart. I didn’t even know my heart was broken. I found him, mending my heart and smiling at me….

He told all will be well…. I wept a little because I knew he touched me.

Isn’t it odd that God touches us at times we didn’t even know we needed him. He comes at the right time!!

Rachel

When love at first sight goes wrong

A few months back, I decided to give online dating a chance. I was quite optimistic about the whole thing, even though I wasn’t really sure what to expect. I met a few great people, some who have become good friends.

Enter…… Mr Love at first sight…..

I didn’t notice him at first. He sent a super like and I didn’t even answer. Eventually I looked at some of his other photos and decided, mmmm why not. He wasn’t ugly, but wasn’t remarkable either. He immediately sent messages, asking me what am I looking for in the app. I told him, I am looking for a friendship that can turn into a relationship. I then asked him what he was looking for. He said he was looking for a serious relationship, that will lead to marriage… online! I know!! Thus should have been my first red flag… but it wasn’t.

We started talking and he immediately asked for my number. I refused and asked him to slow down. He agreed but continued to bombard me with messages throughout the day. we continued chatting until I gave him my number.

He was a model boyfriend wannabe! He called daily, morning and night. We would chat for hours through the night. My graduation in his town was coming up a few days after we spoke. He arranged to see me during my graduation and even booked lunch for me and my gran!!! I really thought I was the luckiest girl in the world!!! We met for drinks that save day, he was amazing. Listened and treated me with kindness!

We arranged to meet that same weekend. He took me to a spa, we had lunch and went back to his place. That was the first time we kissed and it was glorious!!!! My body wanted his and his body wanted my body. But he was a complete gentleman and didn’t try anything until I left. We just touched each other.

We met again the following weekend. We gave our bodies the permission to do what they wanted. It was rushed, painful, loud and overall not an enjoyable experience. We tried again, I still didn’t enjoy it. The next morning. I told him and we tried again, slower and gentle.. this time I enjoyed it slightly. Mechanical sex has never been my thing and my body just rejected it. But I had to teach my body to like it, I liked him now so my body had to as well. But it kept rejecting him.

We continued dating and I was even considering the idea of marriage and kids. Tiny red flags kept creeping up. The child he wasn’t supporting… the anti-feminist comments made, the inconsistent stories about location of houses and number of assets. The latter does not really bother me, but unnecessary lies tell a story….

Fast forward to a time a friend of mine was visiting and he came around. I got too drunk and looking back, I think they shagged or something. When I woke up, he was gone and his phone was in my house. My friend tells me they were playing a joke and she hid it from him. I drive to his place to drop it off, he wasn’t there. The house was empty!!!! No furniture! Later I managed to get hold of him, he tells me he was at my house cause I stole his phone!!!!! An old iPhone7! Stolen by me! The nerve!!! I told him to come get it. He came to get it the next day and that was the last time I spoke to him….. At least it should have been….

He calls me up at 02h00 in the morning last week. He wants his woman back! 🤦🏿‍♀️ we start talking again… I thought we could just be friends with benefits and told him this. I don’t want a relationship, at least not with him. This is after he tells me I am the love of his life! As soon as I tell him that, he sends me a photo of another woman. The message reads ‘I miss those lips”! To the other woman! I just deleted the number and will never speak to him again!

It’s important to listen to your body, the signs and reject things and people that your body and spirit reject! Don’t force yourself to like people because they like you. You will not like everyone that likes you and that is ok.

Rachel

Giving names to my dreams

Your soul speaks 
It is up to you to decide whether to listen or not
Listening and action turns your dreams to a reality 
Listening stops the loop of Groundhog Day 
Listen and you may just wake up living the life you have always dreamt of

Dreams do come true
Just listen to your soul
It will guide you 
Somehow it already knows the destination
The road may be bumpy and sore,
But it’s all worth it!
You have to enjoy the whole process 
It is after-all a process of creation 


Note: I am drawn to live a full life. Lately my days seem to be the same. I feel like for the past 12 years I have been merely surviving, with nuances of living. I have been able to escape some of the routine but like a rat, I get right back at. I can’t anymore, I need different! Hence I am doing and dreaming differently from now! I am going to take out the training wheels and live! Take a chance and live! 

Rachel 

Peaks

When love is not enough….

What do you do when you get back together with the love of your life? You hold the resentment, all their wrongs are remembered and the anger stews in your heart. You want to love him, you want to forgive him and get back to the original love you once had. You enjoy the same activities but that old euphoria is gone, you are just going with the motions. Truth is you don’t like him very much…

He looks like your old lover, smells like him but not quite him. The love-making suddenly feels like a non-consensual encounter. Your body rejects him, his kisses feel like being licked by a cat. His touch feels like being scratched by nails. The things that once made you fall in love him, just don’t feel right anymore! The judgement, the constant proving your worth, the not knowing when this love bombing will end, all of it annoys you.

What do you do then? Your mother and grandmother think he is the best thing after sliced bread. You don’t want to disappoint them, not giving them grandkids is enough disappointment! So what do you do then? You call your concubine and have a weekend rendezvous! You taste his sweet kisses and caresses, drink wine and pretend just for this weekend that you are not grown. You don’t have to be responsible! You don’t have to think about your mom and your grandma! You don’t have to live up to society’s expectations!Just you and your short lover! If only fantasies were real!!! For now though, let me get back to my cat kisses, ouch! There’s the touching….

Rachel Kazzim

The smell of summer

I miss the smell of summer… lately I have been longing for a perfume, I know I have smelt before, but can’t remember the name.

It smells like my next lover, fresh, carefree, bold silage and longevity.

This perfume tastes like the pilau I had on the bus to Mombasa, spicy yet sweet. Understated yet bold.

It reminds of me places I have only been in my past life…. Like the time I went to Paris and met the love of my life…,

….. Rachel

I have been avoiding witting, mainly because the last time I was here, was very difficult for me. But I miss it, I crave it! It’s like a communion with the gods, I have to honor the invite…. So I am, baby steps though….