#choices

When love is not enough….

What do you do when you get back together with the love of your life? You hold the resentment, all their wrongs are remembered and the anger stews in your heart. You want to love him, you want to forgive him and get back to the original love you once had. You enjoy the same activities but that old euphoria is gone, you are just going with the motions. Truth is you don’t like him very much…

He looks like your old lover, smells like him but not quite him. The love-making suddenly feels like a non-consensual encounter. Your body rejects him, his kisses feel like being licked by a cat. His touch feels like being scratched by nails. The things that once made you fall in love him, just don’t feel right anymore! The judgement, the constant proving your worth, the not knowing when this love bombing will end, all of it annoys you.

What do you do then? Your mother and grandmother think he is the best thing after sliced bread. You don’t want to disappoint them, not giving them grandkids is enough disappointment! So what do you do then? You call your concubine and have a weekend rendezvous! You taste his sweet kisses and caresses, drink wine and pretend just for this weekend that you are not grown. You don’t have to be responsible! You don’t have to think about your mom and your grandma! You don’t have to live up to society’s expectations!Just you and your short lover! If only fantasies were real!!! For now though, let me get back to my cat kisses, ouch! There’s the touching….

Rachel Kazzim

Drowning

I am drowning,

Please don’t help me!

As the storm engulfs me,

Don’t help me!

This maze is mine to walk.

This wave is mine too ride,

Just be here,

Please don’t help!

As choices push me further and further into the corner,

As roads become narrower and dangerous,

As the hole keeps on swallowing me,

Just observe,

Don’t help me!

If truly one can never outrun Gods love and purpose, let him show it!

Only he can show me!

Only he can help me!

The one who knows his plans for me!

His great plans!

You just watch,

Please don’t help!

You wouldn’t even know where to start!

Observe the unfolding of his master plan,

Pharaoh or Moses,

It’s all his great plan.!

As I be still

rachel

Mourning lost friendships

It’s ok to let the greatest love of your life go,

It’s normal to grow apart,

It’s ok to want different things out of life,

It’s ok to let them go.

I am letting you go,

I am not bitter,

I don’t hate you,

I was hurt,

But not anymore!

I wish you well!!

This is the hardest break up,

But it’s necessary,

Goodbye lover.!

rachel

On polygamy…

What do you call a relationship with a man with 9 children and 6 wives you know nothing about? You fall pregnant with your first born who unbeknownst to you is baby number 10, you are in a test while he decides whether you are worth the dowry….. all of this you don’t know. You believe all he tells you, ‘I will marry you, I love you and it’s just you and me’.

What happens to you when you realize he lied? What about the dream he sold you? Are you to blame? Do you continue the relationship??

This is a story of one of my step mothers, one of many. All of them have their own sob stories about my father, the polygamist. He was not an honest man when it came to his women, a lot of them were trapped by the lies to stay in the relationships. They stayed and I swore that will never be me!

Surely I am clever and not as stupid and dumb as them….. if only! The sins Of the father fall on the children, only if they are not cleansed and hidden. My father will always be my hero but I also know he was not a superhuman. He was after all just a man burdened with expectations and living a life taught to him by his parents.

I therefore choose to shine the light on the lies, all of them.

rachel

Stories of happiness

If buildings and streets could speak…

They would tell happy stories;

Story about the mother who works that corner to feed her children,

Story of the the family of 8 that stays in that 1 bedroom flat on the second floor,

Story of the lad who washes cars to afford drinks for his girlfriend later,

Story of the slay queen who comes here just to sleep and get dressed for wherever the party takes her tonight,

Story of the boy who steals the neighbor’s WiFi so they can pleasure themselves with pornhub and their hand,

Story of the young girl who endures the night snake from her uncle to afford school fees,

All stories are happy,

Maybe not the act,

But the hope of happiness is what makes the story worth it.

rachel

P.S: I took this photo in Nairobi, Kenya in 2015, it was my first solo trip and I too was looking for a happy story! That building and the street gave me a bit of that happiness.

The thing about love is that it’s an inside job

I met the love of of my love a few months ago,

I got lost in his and forgot me!

I forgot to feed my soul,

I forgot to tend my garden…

what a mistake that was!

It’s so easy to get caught in the feelings and forget self,

Reality is one needs to be selfish with self!

Feed self!

Love self!

Nurture self!

Tend to self!

You cannot offer what you are not!

Love is an expression of internal flow,

Create magic within,

And magic will appear externally!

Love self fiercely!

Love self fiercely!

Feed self!

Love self!

Only them can you love another!

Nothing can substitute self love,

Not even love from him!

rachel

Love, I am 30

My real birthday is June 1st but my certificates says June 4th. My dad messed up the days between my sister and I. So today I am 30, officially!

I am grateful for love

I am love

I am surrounded by love,

I am swimming in the river of love.

I am unfazed by judgement,

I am not ashamed of the woman I am,

I am in love with me!

I am in love with my blue eyed man,

I am in love with life!

Judge me at your own risk,

I don’t harbor any hate towards you,

I only pray it makes you happy!

At least as much as I am!

rachel

At Home, we Eat

She yells “cut the head off!!”

This is our meat for the night,

Cutting heads, cleaning the intestines and removing the feathers off our meat,

We fry the intestines and gizzards on grandma’s old pan,

Grandma cooks the rest on her gas stove,

She cooks uphuthu nemfino,

The smell of oil and curry fills the kitchen!

It feels good to be home

rachel

PS: I am sorry if the picture offends you, receive my apology. I ain’t sorry I am writing this though!!!

Mind, Body, Soul and Heart

Ain’t it funny how we teach and train the mind for so many years in schools,

But nobody teaches and trains the spirit , the body and heart…

Is it a wonder then that the we have become egotistic robots?

Is it a wonder then that we don’t know how to trust, we don’t know how to eat, we don’t know how to love?

We are good at judging, like I am doing now.. but we need to invest in ourselves.

As taught in school, problem solving steps are:

1. Identify the problem

2. Find alternative solutions

3. Apply best alternative

4. Go back to step 1

Not so bad after all…

rachel