When love is not enough….

What do you do when you get back together with the love of your life? You hold the resentment, all their wrongs are remembered and the anger stews in your heart. You want to love him, you want to forgive him and get back to the original love you once had. You enjoy the same activities but that old euphoria is gone, you are just going with the motions. Truth is you don’t like him very much…

He looks like your old lover, smells like him but not quite him. The love-making suddenly feels like a non-consensual encounter. Your body rejects him, his kisses feel like being licked by a cat. His touch feels like being scratched by nails. The things that once made you fall in love him, just don’t feel right anymore! The judgement, the constant proving your worth, the not knowing when this love bombing will end, all of it annoys you.

What do you do then? Your mother and grandmother think he is the best thing after sliced bread. You don’t want to disappoint them, not giving them grandkids is enough disappointment! So what do you do then? You call your concubine and have a weekend rendezvous! You taste his sweet kisses and caresses, drink wine and pretend just for this weekend that you are not grown. You don’t have to be responsible! You don’t have to think about your mom and your grandma! You don’t have to live up to society’s expectations!Just you and your short lover! If only fantasies were real!!! For now though, let me get back to my cat kisses, ouch! There’s the touching….

Rachel Kazzim

Would you date yourself? As you are?

Sometimes you have to call your own bull!

Own up to your shitty decisions!

Own up to your crap!

Admit that you are shitty sometimes!

Someone asked me today, would you date yourself? As you are?

Without much thought, I said “yes”.

But in hindsight,

Maybe I would like to be more decisive,

Maybe I would like to have more money,

Maybe I would like to be more patient,

Maybe I would like to be more inspired,

Maybe I would like to be more tolerant….

Whew!

I wonder how Mr Blue Eyes keeps up with my crap…….

rachel

The thing about love is that it’s an inside job

I met the love of of my love a few months ago,

I got lost in his and forgot me!

I forgot to feed my soul,

I forgot to tend my garden…

what a mistake that was!

It’s so easy to get caught in the feelings and forget self,

Reality is one needs to be selfish with self!

Feed self!

Love self!

Nurture self!

Tend to self!

You cannot offer what you are not!

Love is an expression of internal flow,

Create magic within,

And magic will appear externally!

Love self fiercely!

Love self fiercely!

Feed self!

Love self!

Only them can you love another!

Nothing can substitute self love,

Not even love from him!

rachel

Monogamy and the doofus I love

What is monogamy? It’s “the practice of marrying being married to one person at a time or a habit of having one mate at a time”. I love this idea! The knight in shining armor who comes on a white horse to rescue me and love me unconditionally for the rest of my life! How beautiful is that? Effectively this person needs to be there for me and love me and only me until well, either of us die! Whew! That’s a tad bit too much ain’t it?

I am not saying monogamy isn’t practical or wrong, this post is just to highlight a few things I’ve learnt in “monogamous relations”. You can not offer anyone monogamy type of love if you don’t have it for yourself! You need to be able to love yourself unconditionally first before you can offer anyone else unconditional love. When I was with my ex, I hadn’t reached that “I love myself fully, take it or leave sweet spot”. I was still in the “I should be fitter, rounder bum, bigger boobs and all other shallow stuff” stage. Effectively I still needed to change who my ex had fallen in love with, just to have him fall in love with me! Absurd right? I know! He saw right past this and couldn’t commit to me because, how do you commit to a future person you haven’t met, Who could potentially turn out to be an annoying airhead? You can’t.

So he left! He found warmth in the arms of a chubby, yet somehow sweet beautiful rural girl! You see what I did there? I had to tell myself all of those things because the truth would hurt. How do I admit that he just found a complete human being in the present and not some future unattainable dream girl? The questions came, “how could he? I am prettier than her! More this and more that, how could he?” Well because he found what I couldn’t give him! He found a person, right there! At that present moment. Btw, it wasn’t my fault he left, sometimes that’s how life pans out!

I don’t hate him anymore, although I did for the longest time! I know the bugger will always take me to bed with him, even with her! (That’s my ego talking, but it also happens to be true. When your self-esteem is zero, it’s so easy to confuse sex with love. I did that quite a lot, so I am sure he will always miss the adventures) however that’s not how you keep a relationship, I’ve learnt.

I am in a monogamous relationship now! Wiser and older! I have no need to own my partner’s joy or happiness, he is responsible for that! I am responsible for my own happiness too. We are two complete people brought together by nothing other than love ( definition: I can tolerate the sounds he makes when is chewing and the bear- dying sounds of him snoring next to me). Is he my soulmate? Yes. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t see any soulmatey light emanating from his eyes when met, I decide daily to love that goofy bastard! Some days I look at him and ask God “out of all the gorgeous black men out there, I am stuck with this doofus ? Why?” And some days I wake up and greet the trees and the sun and the air because that doofus is in my life!

So, is monogamy a lie? Is it practical? I don’t know. All I know is that two complete people can make any relationship work!

rachel