Self love

Dear Anxiety, my old friend

It has been a while,

But like the rain, I knew you would come…

So let’s talk…

What’s troubling you?

You are uncertain, uncomfortable and not in control…

That’s normal.

If you could do anything different , what would you do?

Be in control!

That’s nice but I can’t offer you that.

What can you offer?

I can offer compassion and acknowledgment,

I can sit with you, like tonight.

I cannot offer you my whole life though,

You can steal small parts of it though,

Very small parts,

You can visit, briefly.

I promise to ease your discomfort, I will let you go!!

Breath by breath….

In…..

Out….

In…

Out…

Till we meet again old friend……

rachel

Breathe and Let Go

Sometimes you will be the perfect friend

Perfect lover

Perfect companion

His peace of mind

All you know love to be.

It still won’t matter when the love was never there to begin with.

It won’t matter when your definition of love is not the same, forever might mean a day..

It won’t matter when you not in his future plans.

Understand this.

Accept this.

Don’t try change him.

Take yourself into your corner,

Cry if you must,

And gently remove yourself from it!

Why stay if there are no ingredients to serve your meal?

Breathe and let go

rachel

I hope you All you can be

I hope you learn to still your heart

I hope you learn to enjoy it here

I hope you love so fully

I hope you find purpose daily

I hope you learn daily

I hope you learn there’s nothing to be anxious about

I hope you know you are loved, because you are

I hope you know you where you should because you are

I hope you love fully, because there is no other way to feel love

I hope you know you are beautiful, because my dear, you are stunning

I hope you know you are deserving, of all the great things you dream of

I hope you know you are love, in its purest form, that’s you

I hope you have forgiven your parents, they didn’t know better

I hope you have forgiven your teachers, they didn’t know better

I hope you have forgiven your friends, you didn’t know better

I hope you forgiven that boy, he didn’t know better

Most importantly,

I hope you have forgiven yourself , you didn’t know better

Now you do!

Forgive my darling…,

rachel

Letting go of old self….

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning,

I looked at photos of old self,

All beautiful,

All sexy,

All woman!

I decided to say goodbye to my old self,

I lit a candle for my old self,

I had conversations with old self,

I told her goodbye my love,

It’s been good knowing you my friend,

I have to let you go now!

I need space for the new,

New!

Not old self,

Not familiar self,

New self,

You will always be part of me!

I love you and always will!

rachel

You Loved me Still…..

To know Love like this

So simple,

So free,

So comfortable,

So at home,

That’s the love I have known I deserve!

A flowing river,

A constant,

A love so complete!

Who was I to deserve this?

So bartered!

So bruised?

Ego smashed to pieces!

A self so fragile!

A lost self!

You loved me still!

A love not lost in the past!

A love in the present!

You loved me still?

I love you?

Thank you for loving me,…

I love you L….

Rachel

My Momma’s Dreams…. Deferred

My momma wanted no child at 23!

My momma had waited for the man who would marry her,

Then my dad came!

All gorgeous and sweet-tongued,

She forgot all her dreams!

And in the depths of the night, I entered her,

No matter what method she tried, I refused to die!

I refused to leave her womb!

Determined to share my gifts with the world,

I stayed!!!

First dream, deferred!!!

I should have been a doctor, her lifelong dream!

I had the brains for it, but not the gall for it!

I can’t stand the smell nor sight of blood!

So I became what I am, me!

Dream 2, deferred!!!

I should have been married at 23, like she wanted.

But I don’t understand marriage, I don’t do things I don’t understand.

I should have had kids by now,

But I just don’t have the desire to have kids, I don’t want any kids.

I should have introduced my boyfriend to her by now, but I cannot stand the judgement,

I know he will come up short! He is not “Christian” enough, he is divorced, he is not loving enough, the Holy Spirit doesn’t allow her to like him, he is wrong for me, I deserve better!

I chose him so he is good enough for me and I love him! That’s all that matters, at least to me.

Dreams deferred!!!

I am my mother’s deferred dreams.

And I am ok with that.

I know before I am a daughter, I am mine! Just mine! The rest comes after!

I am me!

I am not sorry for being a dream deferred!

Dreams deferred, yet again!!!

rachel

No Labels Necessary….

Let me not be lose myself in you

Let me loose myself in me

Allow me to open the door for you,

I want you here,

But please….

Please my love don’t close all the windows,

Stay,

Close the door,

Add wood to the fire,

I like our house warm.

Just don’t close the windows,

I like the sunshine,

I love the fragrance of the flowers in our house.

I love our house,

I love our warmth,

I want to be here!

I want you here!

No labels necessary!

rachel

Prepare for Happiness

Ask for what you want

And be prepared to receive it,

Just as you would prepare for the rain when clouds gather,

Happiness needs you to be prepared,

It prevents you from drowning

rachel

My birthdays have always been a time of reflection. I am always left feeling like I have not done enough. This year however, I can safely say, I am happy! Truly I am, I feel blessed! I am blessed! I am totes in love and I am right where I should be!

There’s that unpreparedness for the happiness though! That anxious voice telling me what if I lose it all today? My default had always been to go back to the familiar,but today I am not. Not because I have any certainty of the future, I don’t. It’s because I know I belong here, I am happy here, I have all I need here! If tomorrow should start and I am not happy, that is ok too! Because the needs of tomorrow are already provided for tomorrow! So today I live and I accept the present!

Content!