After all of that, I still want him


The day I met I know he was the one. just that the one! He had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen, his legs were gorgeous and he was very smart but he was short. I remember looking at him and thinking ‘this guy would be a good match for my friend’. 2 months later I found myself drawn to him, I wanted to be near him all the tine, show him I am smart too, show him how pretty I am. I didn’t realize I was falling for him until one day I was telling him about my dreams and my family and everything about me and my deepest darkest secrets. He was older and became my confidant and mentor of sone sort.

Then one day he bought me a gift (it was a book). I was excited he had listened to me and rememberf I loved books. Then he asked to come visit my house. He arrived late in the evening with dinner and we spoke for hours even forgetting we had work the next morning. He left after midnight, we didn’t kiss nor hug just a long friendly visit.

The visits became frequent until one day we kissed. After he kissing he got up from the bed and sat on a chair aand started sobbing. I was so terrified!! Did I bite him? What happened? I went and sat next to him and asked him what was wrong? He said nothing and continued crying. That was just awkward but I just comforted him and thought when he is ready he would tell me. 6 months into the relationship we got intimate for the first time. Never have   I ever been with a gentler and more sensual man! At this point I was in love!! We travelled together to many places and  we were so in love. I felt safe with him and figured if I were to ever marry someone it would be him.

After a year of dating I went home and tried to introduce the idea of getting married to my dad. He asked me ‘why do you want to get married?’ to which I answered ‘ cause I am in love! He told me that’s not reason enough to get married. money, security, an established man, those are the reasons to get married cause love is not constant. I listened to him but that didn’t change my mind in the least! I was going to marry him! I knew ours was different.

He calls me from home and tell there is something he needs to tell me. He says this will be the defining moment in our relationship. I get excited thinking this it! He is going to propose! We go away for the weekend to the nicest hotel we had ever been to. I don’t want to ask lest I ruin the surprise, until Sunday morning when I wake and still don’t have a ring on my finger. I ask him to tell me what’s up? He just stares at me for the longest time and starts sobbing! What’s this? What’s wrong? Are you dying? Am I dying? Are we breaking up? No answer!

Until he stops crying and holds my hands telling me how much he loves and wants only me in the world. With me by his side he can conquer everything. I must just promise him that no matter what happens or whatever he tells me I will never leave him. I promise! I promise! He clears his throat and tells me ‘ I am HIV positive, I think it’s time you knew’. What the f**k now? Who now? WHAT????? Say that again??? HOW? WHO? Did I hear you correctly?

I wish I could say I knew that the day I met him, but I didn’t! I took my vows though for better or worse! He passed away after three wonderful years together and left me!!! I am just grateful he told me when he did…,

You alone are the judge of your youth and your goal is to discover infinite worth in yourself, no matter what happens or anyone else thinks- Deepak Chopra

I have acquired a lot of world possessions that other people will consider success. So by the worlds standard I am successful.

Why then do I feel unsatisfied? Why then do I feel so anxious? Why do I feel like I lack? What is that I am longing for? This post is an attempt to find out why I feel the way I do.

I have been with many men in my life, I mean like a lot. I am a fun loving girl who knows how to make any man feel special. I guess that’s why I have been with a lot of them (even though I reall think it’s because I make it easy). The experience has been fun and I’ve learnt a lot about myself and my sexuality. I have always thought of myself as a liberal. I would hold these men’s attention for a night, a week and even years, but none of them have stuck around. This has not troubles me until recently on my 35th birthday! Having been with so many men, why am I alone? Why am I throwing myself a party?  Where is my Prince Charming? My highway man (Alfred Noyes) where are you?

I would like to settle down even even though I am not sure I want to. On the one end I feel like I want to marry cause all my friends are married and look happy, on the one end I have a problem with monogamy. I think it’s not feasible in this day and age yet when I bring it up to my male companions they give me that “whore” look! (You know the one where a person doesn’t look you straight into your eyes but from the corner of their eyes). All of these men have cheated on me or I have cheated on them, so why then do they think monogamy is relevant? I do believe in love though and I love LOVE!

You see I grew up in a polygamous home. My father had an excess of 10 women in his life. All of these women thought they were the one! Until he passed away and left them nothing and they found out they were not the one, the second or third but eight or tenth. The only peerson he loved more that his kids was HIMSELF!!! I looked at all these women and thought that will never be me! I will know when my man is cheating on me and I will leave immediately if I suspect he is cheating. I have been successful in achieving this hence I have been with many men! And none of them have stuck around cause I will rather cause you pain first than have you hurt me!

I do realize though that while I am liberal and can be in French type relationship, the reason for my dissatisfaction is that I am always running!! I am running from the shadows of heartbreak and vulnerability! So what I am lacking is love and not just any love but love for myself and respect for myself! I choose to value me and treat me better! There’s no point in sleeping with someone who I am not in love with just so I don’t get hurt by the one I do. There is no point in being in a fake relationship where I am the “cool” girl you call when your manhood is up at night and you can’t sleep! There is really no point in giving my body if I am not in love.

Here’s to tearing my body  better and discovering my worth!🍾🍾🍾🍾

No one was sorry to see him die, except me.

He was known for being a hardcore criminal murder, rape were his specialities. The whole community was afraid of him his last victim was a family man he had brutally murdered after he had raped and sold his niece. His eyes were cold and vacant.

The day I met him I was 15 years old and had just lost my parents. My extended family told me there was no money to take care of me. All my uncles and aunts told me about the amount of debt they had and how impossible it was to accommodate me on their homes. One of my aunts told she knew a family looking for help. I will have to help with the house chores after school. Everyone agreed that’s best for me. The next day we headed to the city.

My aunt take s me into a beautiful house with high fences and 2 security guards carrying large guns. She tells me this will be my new home. Before long we are joined by a tall, dark heavily bearded man with blank eyes. He stares directly at me without blinking. I avert my eyes so I don’t appear rude. I didn’t realize until then that I had made a deal with the devil.

As soon as my aunt leaves, I am shown my room which is pretty with expensive furniture. The room reminds me of a candy shop. He tells me I will be good for the job, he trusts me. At dinner I meet other girls my age and we converse about school, oddly none of them make eye contact when they speak. They are wearing expensive clothes the kind I only see in magazines.

After dinner the girls disappear into their bedrooms and I am left alone with him. He moves closer and sits on the chair close to mine. He tells me I am beautiful and that he wants to show me something. He leads me back to my room and locks the door behind us. He starts undressing me gently, button by button. He looks at my naked body and asks me to undress him. Uncomfortably I do as I am told. I don’t really remember the whole think but I know it was painful and his thing hurt me so much I bled. This happened for many years until the day I was walking towards him at the alter to marry him. That was the happiest day I had ever been but also the saddest.

Walking towards him at the alter everything slowed down as he was smiling at me with that gorgeous smile. Suddenly I heard a loud bang and knew immediately what that sound was. The man I was walking towards dropped to the ground and his white shirt turned red as blood splattered everywhere. My flowers, the alter, the priest bloody!! I ran towards him screaming, when I got to him blood was oozing from his nose. I looked at the back to see my aunt standing there with a gun. At that moment, I knew…

My best friends and me

My best friends and me,

We sit and drink wine together

We read James Baldwin together

We cry together

We have a messy relationship

We have a beautiful relationship

We love each other

We hate each other

Yet, I love my friends dearly



Thoughts of a child-free 34 year old

I think of my life as brief experience of Gods creation. A chance to rest in Gods love, to touch and observe the beauty he has made. As an observer, I therefore I don’t want to leave trails and proof of me having been here. I am offering my gifts, talents and observations but I don’t think I am of this world. I think I am just gathering information for my next life to increase the wisdom of the next phase. It makes sense then that I chose to be child free. Lately however, I find myself scared of the future. I am scared I won’t have anyone to take care of me when I am older. I don’t want to burden people, I want to always be healthy and fit. Is it really possible? What if I get very lonely? These are all questions I have to answer. These thoughts have not made feel like I need kids though, I think we all have our purpose in life. Mine doesn’t involve being a mother though.

It will be interesting to know if done child free people have the same questions or even answers


On death

Death is more painful and we feel more in death

Partly because death can be a beautiful ending

An envy for the dead,

A realisation that at least they are at rest…

Rest, the ever elusive search

In the rat race, we all long for rest.

But we have dreams unfinished

We have goals to fulfil

We have a life to live

Not in half,

In full!!!

Since we haven’t come back from the dead,

Our envy must be limited

We should focus on living…

Sure we can wish for rest,

At these times, it is necessary to rest.

Recharge and start again



It’s as if you enjoy hurting me

When I want you,

You don’t want me.

When you want me,

I don’t want you.

What is up with that, my love?

It hurts

I plan our reconciliation,

You will come for me,

I will let you in.

Yet, always you are occupied.

You come for me,

Grand gestures and everything,

And I am the one who is occupied.

Despite the hurt we have caused each other,

Despite the pain.

Despite the tears,

Despite the heartbreak,

All of it…

My heart still wants you.

In these moments,

My heart longs for you.

Despite my blue eyed lover,

My heart longs for you…

Is it really my heart, I wonder.

We made sense.

You match my intellect,

Not my body though.

You match the aesthetic,

Not my life though,

You match all of it,

Yet you match nothing at all…

I am therefore letting you go my sweet-sweet love

My elusive love

The love I will never have

The love that was never meant to be

Good bye sweetheart



Love cravings

Love cravings

I am craving a sweet love

Silly, stupid, no safety net love

Foolish love

No worries about the future love

Summer love

Coldplay/billie kinda love

I am craving a connection







I want all of this and more…


If this is incoherent, it’s because the kind of love I am craving is. It’s stupid and beautiful love in its raw form!!!


God is everywhere

God can be found anywhere you are

He is after all, everywhere we are

Today I found him in a concert, healing my broken heart. I didn’t even know my heart was broken. I found him, mending my heart and smiling at me….

He told all will be well…. I wept a little because I knew he touched me.

Isn’t it odd that God touches us at times we didn’t even know we needed him. He comes at the right time!!


When love at first sight goes wrong

A few months back, I decided to give online dating a chance. I was quite optimistic about the whole thing, even though I wasn’t really sure what to expect. I met a few great people, some who have become good friends.

Enter…… Mr Love at first sight…..

I didn’t notice him at first. He sent a super like and I didn’t even answer. Eventually I looked at some of his other photos and decided, mmmm why not. He wasn’t ugly, but wasn’t remarkable either. He immediately sent messages, asking me what am I looking for in the app. I told him, I am looking for a friendship that can turn into a relationship. I then asked him what he was looking for. He said he was looking for a serious relationship, that will lead to marriage… online! I know!! Thus should have been my first red flag… but it wasn’t.

We started talking and he immediately asked for my number. I refused and asked him to slow down. He agreed but continued to bombard me with messages throughout the day. we continued chatting until I gave him my number.

He was a model boyfriend wannabe! He called daily, morning and night. We would chat for hours through the night. My graduation in his town was coming up a few days after we spoke. He arranged to see me during my graduation and even booked lunch for me and my gran!!! I really thought I was the luckiest girl in the world!!! We met for drinks that save day, he was amazing. Listened and treated me with kindness!

We arranged to meet that same weekend. He took me to a spa, we had lunch and went back to his place. That was the first time we kissed and it was glorious!!!! My body wanted his and his body wanted my body. But he was a complete gentleman and didn’t try anything until I left. We just touched each other.

We met again the following weekend. We gave our bodies the permission to do what they wanted. It was rushed, painful, loud and overall not an enjoyable experience. We tried again, I still didn’t enjoy it. The next morning. I told him and we tried again, slower and gentle.. this time I enjoyed it slightly. Mechanical sex has never been my thing and my body just rejected it. But I had to teach my body to like it, I liked him now so my body had to as well. But it kept rejecting him.

We continued dating and I was even considering the idea of marriage and kids. Tiny red flags kept creeping up. The child he wasn’t supporting… the anti-feminist comments made, the inconsistent stories about location of houses and number of assets. The latter does not really bother me, but unnecessary lies tell a story….

Fast forward to a time a friend of mine was visiting and he came around. I got too drunk and looking back, I think they shagged or something. When I woke up, he was gone and his phone was in my house. My friend tells me they were playing a joke and she hid it from him. I drive to his place to drop it off, he wasn’t there. The house was empty!!!! No furniture! Later I managed to get hold of him, he tells me he was at my house cause I stole his phone!!!!! An old iPhone7! Stolen by me! The nerve!!! I told him to come get it. He came to get it the next day and that was the last time I spoke to him….. At least it should have been….

He calls me up at 02h00 in the morning last week. He wants his woman back! 🤦🏿‍♀️ we start talking again… I thought we could just be friends with benefits and told him this. I don’t want a relationship, at least not with him. This is after he tells me I am the love of his life! As soon as I tell him that, he sends me a photo of another woman. The message reads ‘I miss those lips”! To the other woman! I just deleted the number and will never speak to him again!

It’s important to listen to your body, the signs and reject things and people that your body and spirit reject! Don’t force yourself to like people because they like you. You will not like everyone that likes you and that is ok.


Giving names to my dreams

Your soul speaks 
It is up to you to decide whether to listen or not
Listening and action turns your dreams to a reality
Listening stops the loop of Groundhog Day
Listen and you may just wake up living the life you have always dreamt of

Dreams do come true
Just listen to your soul
It will guide you
Somehow it already knows the destination
The road may be bumpy and sore,
But it’s all worth it!
You have to enjoy the whole process
It is after-all a process of creation

Note: I am drawn to live a full life. Lately my days seem to be the same. I feel like for the past 12 years I have been merely surviving, with nuances of living. I have been able to escape some of the routine but like a rat, I get right back at. I can’t anymore, I need different! Hence I am doing and dreaming differently from now! I am going to take out the training wheels and live! Take a chance and live!



When love is not enough….

What do you do when you get back together with the love of your life? You hold the resentment, all their wrongs are remembered and the anger stews in your heart. You want to love him, you want to forgive him and get back to the original love you once had. You enjoy the same activities but that old euphoria is gone, you are just going with the motions. Truth is you don’t like him very much…

He looks like your old lover, smells like him but not quite him. The love-making suddenly feels like a non-consensual encounter. Your body rejects him, his kisses feel like being licked by a cat. His touch feels like being scratched by nails. The things that once made you fall in love him, just don’t feel right anymore! The judgement, the constant proving your worth, the not knowing when this love bombing will end, all of it annoys you.

What do you do then? Your mother and grandmother think he is the best thing after sliced bread. You don’t want to disappoint them, not giving them grandkids is enough disappointment! So what do you do then? You call your concubine and have a weekend rendezvous! You taste his sweet kisses and caresses, drink wine and pretend just for this weekend that you are not grown. You don’t have to be responsible! You don’t have to think about your mom and your grandma! You don’t have to live up to society’s expectations!Just you and your short lover! If only fantasies were real!!! For now though, let me get back to my cat kisses, ouch! There’s the touching….

Rachel Kazzim

The smell of summer

I miss the smell of summer… lately I have been longing for a perfume, I know I have smelt before, but can’t remember the name.

It smells like my next lover, fresh, carefree, bold silage and longevity.

This perfume tastes like the pilau I had on the bus to Mombasa, spicy yet sweet. Understated yet bold.

It reminds of me places I have only been in my past life…. Like the time I went to Paris and met the love of my life…,

….. Rachel

I have been avoiding witting, mainly because the last time I was here, was very difficult for me. But I miss it, I crave it! It’s like a communion with the gods, I have to honor the invite…. So I am, baby steps though….