After all of that, I still want him

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The day I met I know he was the one. just that the one! He had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen, his legs were gorgeous and he was very smart but he was short. I remember looking at him and thinking ‘this guy would be a good match for my friend’. 2 months later I found myself drawn to him, I wanted to be near him all the tine, show him I am smart too, show him how pretty I am. I didn’t realize I was falling for him until one day I was telling him about my dreams and my family and everything about me and my deepest darkest secrets. He was older and became my confidant and mentor of sone sort.

Then one day he bought me a gift (it was a book). I was excited he had listened to me and rememberf I loved books. Then he asked to come visit my house. He arrived late in the evening with dinner and we spoke for hours even forgetting we had work the next morning. He left after midnight, we didn’t kiss nor hug just a long friendly visit.

The visits became frequent until one day we kissed. After he kissing he got up from the bed and sat on a chair aand started sobbing. I was so terrified!! Did I bite him? What happened? I went and sat next to him and asked him what was wrong? He said nothing and continued crying. That was just awkward but I just comforted him and thought when he is ready he would tell me. 6 months into the relationship we got intimate for the first time. Never have   I ever been with a gentler and more sensual man! At this point I was in love!! We travelled together to many places and  we were so in love. I felt safe with him and figured if I were to ever marry someone it would be him.

After a year of dating I went home and tried to introduce the idea of getting married to my dad. He asked me ‘why do you want to get married?’ to which I answered ‘ cause I am in love! He told me that’s not reason enough to get married. money, security, an established man, those are the reasons to get married cause love is not constant. I listened to him but that didn’t change my mind in the least! I was going to marry him! I knew ours was different.

He calls me from home and tell there is something he needs to tell me. He says this will be the defining moment in our relationship. I get excited thinking this it! He is going to propose! We go away for the weekend to the nicest hotel we had ever been to. I don’t want to ask lest I ruin the surprise, until Sunday morning when I wake and still don’t have a ring on my finger. I ask him to tell me what’s up? He just stares at me for the longest time and starts sobbing! What’s this? What’s wrong? Are you dying? Am I dying? Are we breaking up? No answer!

Until he stops crying and holds my hands telling me how much he loves and wants only me in the world. With me by his side he can conquer everything. I must just promise him that no matter what happens or whatever he tells me I will never leave him. I promise! I promise! He clears his throat and tells me ‘ I am HIV positive, I think it’s time you knew’. What the f**k now? Who now? WHAT????? Say that again??? HOW? WHO? Did I hear you correctly?

I wish I could say I knew that the day I met him, but I didn’t! I took my vows though for better or worse! He passed away after three wonderful years together and left me!!! I am just grateful he told me when he did…,

You alone are the judge of your youth and your goal is to discover infinite worth in yourself, no matter what happens or anyone else thinks- Deepak Chopra

I have acquired a lot of world possessions that other people will consider success. So by the worlds standard I am successful.

Why then do I feel unsatisfied? Why then do I feel so anxious? Why do I feel like I lack? What is that I am longing for? This post is an attempt to find out why I feel the way I do.

I have been with many men in my life, I mean like a lot. I am a fun loving girl who knows how to make any man feel special. I guess that’s why I have been with a lot of them (even though I reall think it’s because I make it easy). The experience has been fun and I’ve learnt a lot about myself and my sexuality. I have always thought of myself as a liberal. I would hold these men’s attention for a night, a week and even years, but none of them have stuck around. This has not troubles me until recently on my 35th birthday! Having been with so many men, why am I alone? Why am I throwing myself a party?  Where is my Prince Charming? My highway man (Alfred Noyes) where are you?

I would like to settle down even even though I am not sure I want to. On the one end I feel like I want to marry cause all my friends are married and look happy, on the one end I have a problem with monogamy. I think it’s not feasible in this day and age yet when I bring it up to my male companions they give me that “whore” look! (You know the one where a person doesn’t look you straight into your eyes but from the corner of their eyes). All of these men have cheated on me or I have cheated on them, so why then do they think monogamy is relevant? I do believe in love though and I love LOVE!

You see I grew up in a polygamous home. My father had an excess of 10 women in his life. All of these women thought they were the one! Until he passed away and left them nothing and they found out they were not the one, the second or third but eight or tenth. The only peerson he loved more that his kids was HIMSELF!!! I looked at all these women and thought that will never be me! I will know when my man is cheating on me and I will leave immediately if I suspect he is cheating. I have been successful in achieving this hence I have been with many men! And none of them have stuck around cause I will rather cause you pain first than have you hurt me!

I do realize though that while I am liberal and can be in French type relationship, the reason for my dissatisfaction is that I am always running!! I am running from the shadows of heartbreak and vulnerability! So what I am lacking is love and not just any love but love for myself and respect for myself! I choose to value me and treat me better! There’s no point in sleeping with someone who I am not in love with just so I don’t get hurt by the one I do. There is no point in being in a fake relationship where I am the “cool” girl you call when your manhood is up at night and you can’t sleep! There is really no point in giving my body if I am not in love.

Here’s to tearing my body  better and discovering my worth!🍾🍾🍾🍾

No one was sorry to see him die, except me.

He was known for being a hardcore criminal murder, rape were his specialities. The whole community was afraid of him his last victim was a family man he had brutally murdered after he had raped and sold his niece. His eyes were cold and vacant.

The day I met him I was 15 years old and had just lost my parents. My extended family told me there was no money to take care of me. All my uncles and aunts told me about the amount of debt they had and how impossible it was to accommodate me on their homes. One of my aunts told she knew a family looking for help. I will have to help with the house chores after school. Everyone agreed that’s best for me. The next day we headed to the city.

My aunt take s me into a beautiful house with high fences and 2 security guards carrying large guns. She tells me this will be my new home. Before long we are joined by a tall, dark heavily bearded man with blank eyes. He stares directly at me without blinking. I avert my eyes so I don’t appear rude. I didn’t realize until then that I had made a deal with the devil.

As soon as my aunt leaves, I am shown my room which is pretty with expensive furniture. The room reminds me of a candy shop. He tells me I will be good for the job, he trusts me. At dinner I meet other girls my age and we converse about school, oddly none of them make eye contact when they speak. They are wearing expensive clothes the kind I only see in magazines.

After dinner the girls disappear into their bedrooms and I am left alone with him. He moves closer and sits on the chair close to mine. He tells me I am beautiful and that he wants to show me something. He leads me back to my room and locks the door behind us. He starts undressing me gently, button by button. He looks at my naked body and asks me to undress him. Uncomfortably I do as I am told. I don’t really remember the whole think but I know it was painful and his thing hurt me so much I bled. This happened for many years until the day I was walking towards him at the alter to marry him. That was the happiest day I had ever been but also the saddest.

Walking towards him at the alter everything slowed down as he was smiling at me with that gorgeous smile. Suddenly I heard a loud bang and knew immediately what that sound was. The man I was walking towards dropped to the ground and his white shirt turned red as blood splattered everywhere. My flowers, the alter, the priest bloody!! I ran towards him screaming, when I got to him blood was oozing from his nose. I looked at the back to see my aunt standing there with a gun. At that moment, I knew…

Would you date yourself? As you are?

Sometimes you have to call your own bull!

Own up to your shitty decisions!

Own up to your crap!

Admit that you are shitty sometimes!

Someone asked me today, would you date yourself? As you are?

Without much thought, I said “yes”.

But in hindsight,

Maybe I would like to be more decisive,

Maybe I would like to have more money,

Maybe I would like to be more patient,

Maybe I would like to be more inspired,

Maybe I would like to be more tolerant….

Whew!

I wonder how Mr Blue Eyes keeps up with my crap…….

rachel

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“It’s not just, there’s many of us”

Exorcism of her demons, he shouted; “there’s many,it’s not just me, there’s many of us here!”

He was talking about;

Greed,

Anxiety,

Insufficient,

Lack,

Restlessness,

Depression,

Fear,

All familiar friends that won’t let her rest…

What was she to do?

When from a young age,

She learnt what it means to not be enough,

What it means to not belong?,

What it means not to be wanted?,

What it means to not be smart?

Truth is,

The demons have been lying all along,

The universe had very much wanted her,

There are pieces of the sun in her smile,

Her eyes contain all the colors of the rainbow,

Her skin and the sky are host of the stars,

Her heart is the nucleus of the universe..

She has always been the universe coming alive!

And as the universe, there is many in her!

She houses so many!

Good and bad,

Just like the universe

At that moment, she asked;

“Don’t leave yet, please stay. What do you want to teach me?”

rachel

Drowning

I am drowning,

Please don’t help me!

As the storm engulfs me,

Don’t help me!

This maze is mine to walk.

This wave is mine too ride,

Just be here,

Please don’t help!

As choices push me further and further into the corner,

As roads become narrower and dangerous,

As the hole keeps on swallowing me,

Just observe,

Don’t help me!

If truly one can never outrun Gods love and purpose, let him show it!

Only he can show me!

Only he can help me!

The one who knows his plans for me!

His great plans!

You just watch,

Please don’t help!

You wouldn’t even know where to start!

Observe the unfolding of his master plan,

Pharaoh or Moses,

It’s all his great plan.!

As I be still

rachel

Autumn Mornings

The beautiful trees were willingly shedding their clothing, to be nude in the cold.

This was deliberate and necessary for the test,

A test on patience,

A test on surrender,

A test on strength,

A test on acceptable,

A test on trust,

A test on living…../

The trees undressed knowing the one responsible for living and death has got them. They know no matter how battered they are by the cold, it’s alright; they will either live or die. Whatever the outcome, the soul of the world knows it was there.

It was shade, it was oxygen, it was beauty, it was a landmark and most of all, it was the universe coming to life!

rachel

The smoking monk with no filter….

This weekend I went to a meditation retreat where I met a very interesting monk. He is fat, he smokes and the arrogance!!! Of course I could hear myself judge “if he can’t control himself, what can he teach me?” I thought a monk was someone pure, someone who can control his ego and all other nice things..

As it turns out, I was wrong! Him being himself allowed me to be myself, imperfect learner. I learnt to open myself to my own imperfections and not to judge myself. I do after all possess bad and good qualities which make up who I am.

My first meditation was a disaster because I was still stuck on my judgments but as the day went by I realized I just had to be! Isn’t that what I do everyday anyway? Just be! Be open, open my heart, mind and soul. Then the learning began, I learnt about my totem, my spirit guides and chakras. Learning doesn’t mean I am there, it just means I am in the process of learning. I learnt about acceptance, and making small changes to influence the person I intend to be.

rachel