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After all of that, I still want him

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The day I met I know he was the one. just that the one! He had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen, his legs were gorgeous and he was very smart but he was short. I remember looking at him and thinking ‘this guy would be a good match for my friend’. 2 months later I found myself drawn to him, I wanted to be near him all the tine, show him I am smart too, show him how pretty I am. I didn’t realize I was falling for him until one day I was telling him about my dreams and my family and everything about me and my deepest darkest secrets. He was older and became my confidant and mentor of sone sort.

Then one day he bought me a gift (it was a book). I was excited he had listened to me and rememberf I loved books. Then he asked to come visit my house. He arrived late in the evening with dinner and we spoke for hours even forgetting we had work the next morning. He left after midnight, we didn’t kiss nor hug just a long friendly visit.

The visits became frequent until one day we kissed. After he kissing he got up from the bed and sat on a chair aand started sobbing. I was so terrified!! Did I bite him? What happened? I went and sat next to him and asked him what was wrong? He said nothing and continued crying. That was just awkward but I just comforted him and thought when he is ready he would tell me. 6 months into the relationship we got intimate for the first time. Never have   I ever been with a gentler and more sensual man! At this point I was in love!! We travelled together to many places and  we were so in love. I felt safe with him and figured if I were to ever marry someone it would be him.

After a year of dating I went home and tried to introduce the idea of getting married to my dad. He asked me ‘why do you want to get married?’ to which I answered ‘ cause I am in love! He told me that’s not reason enough to get married. money, security, an established man, those are the reasons to get married cause love is not constant. I listened to him but that didn’t change my mind in the least! I was going to marry him! I knew ours was different.

He calls me from home and tell there is something he needs to tell me. He says this will be the defining moment in our relationship. I get excited thinking this it! He is going to propose! We go away for the weekend to the nicest hotel we had ever been to. I don’t want to ask lest I ruin the surprise, until Sunday morning when I wake and still don’t have a ring on my finger. I ask him to tell me what’s up? He just stares at me for the longest time and starts sobbing! What’s this? What’s wrong? Are you dying? Am I dying? Are we breaking up? No answer!

Until he stops crying and holds my hands telling me how much he loves and wants only me in the world. With me by his side he can conquer everything. I must just promise him that no matter what happens or whatever he tells me I will never leave him. I promise! I promise! He clears his throat and tells me ‘ I am HIV positive, I think it’s time you knew’. What the f**k now? Who now? WHAT????? Say that again??? HOW? WHO? Did I hear you correctly?

I wish I could say I knew that the day I met him, but I didn’t! I took my vows though for better or worse! He passed away after three wonderful years together and left me!!! I am just grateful he told me when he did…,

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You alone are the judge of your youth and your goal is to discover infinite worth in yourself, no matter what happens or anyone else thinks- Deepak Chopra

I have acquired a lot of world possessions that other people will consider success. So by the worlds standard I am successful.

Why then do I feel unsatisfied? Why then do I feel so anxious? Why do I feel like I lack? What is that I am longing for? This post is an attempt to find out why I feel the way I do.

I have been with many men in my life, I mean like a lot. I am a fun loving girl who knows how to make any man feel special. I guess that’s why I have been with a lot of them (even though I reall think it’s because I make it easy). The experience has been fun and I’ve learnt a lot about myself and my sexuality. I have always thought of myself as a liberal. I would hold these men’s attention for a night, a week and even years, but none of them have stuck around. This has not troubles me until recently on my 35th birthday! Having been with so many men, why am I alone? Why am I throwing myself a party?  Where is my Prince Charming? My highway man (Alfred Noyes) where are you?

I would like to settle down even even though I am not sure I want to. On the one end I feel like I want to marry cause all my friends are married and look happy, on the one end I have a problem with monogamy. I think it’s not feasible in this day and age yet when I bring it up to my male companions they give me that “whore” look! (You know the one where a person doesn’t look you straight into your eyes but from the corner of their eyes). All of these men have cheated on me or I have cheated on them, so why then do they think monogamy is relevant? I do believe in love though and I love LOVE!

You see I grew up in a polygamous home. My father had an excess of 10 women in his life. All of these women thought they were the one! Until he passed away and left them nothing and they found out they were not the one, the second or third but eight or tenth. The only peerson he loved more that his kids was HIMSELF!!! I looked at all these women and thought that will never be me! I will know when my man is cheating on me and I will leave immediately if I suspect he is cheating. I have been successful in achieving this hence I have been with many men! And none of them have stuck around cause I will rather cause you pain first than have you hurt me!

I do realize though that while I am liberal and can be in French type relationship, the reason for my dissatisfaction is that I am always running!! I am running from the shadows of heartbreak and vulnerability! So what I am lacking is love and not just any love but love for myself and respect for myself! I choose to value me and treat me better! There’s no point in sleeping with someone who I am not in love with just so I don’t get hurt by the one I do. There is no point in being in a fake relationship where I am the “cool” girl you call when your manhood is up at night and you can’t sleep! There is really no point in giving my body if I am not in love.

Here’s to tearing my body  better and discovering my worth!🍾🍾🍾🍾

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No one was sorry to see him die, except me.

He was known for being a hardcore criminal murder, rape were his specialities. The whole community was afraid of him his last victim was a family man he had brutally murdered after he had raped and sold his niece. His eyes were cold and vacant.

The day I met him I was 15 years old and had just lost my parents. My extended family told me there was no money to take care of me. All my uncles and aunts told me about the amount of debt they had and how impossible it was to accommodate me on their homes. One of my aunts told she knew a family looking for help. I will have to help with the house chores after school. Everyone agreed that’s best for me. The next day we headed to the city.

My aunt take s me into a beautiful house with high fences and 2 security guards carrying large guns. She tells me this will be my new home. Before long we are joined by a tall, dark heavily bearded man with blank eyes. He stares directly at me without blinking. I avert my eyes so I don’t appear rude. I didn’t realize until then that I had made a deal with the devil.

As soon as my aunt leaves, I am shown my room which is pretty with expensive furniture. The room reminds me of a candy shop. He tells me I will be good for the job, he trusts me. At dinner I meet other girls my age and we converse about school, oddly none of them make eye contact when they speak. They are wearing expensive clothes the kind I only see in magazines.

After dinner the girls disappear into their bedrooms and I am left alone with him. He moves closer and sits on the chair close to mine. He tells me I am beautiful and that he wants to show me something. He leads me back to my room and locks the door behind us. He starts undressing me gently, button by button. He looks at my naked body and asks me to undress him. Uncomfortably I do as I am told. I don’t really remember the whole think but I know it was painful and his thing hurt me so much I bled. This happened for many years until the day I was walking towards him at the alter to marry him. That was the happiest day I had ever been but also the saddest.

Walking towards him at the alter everything slowed down as he was smiling at me with that gorgeous smile. Suddenly I heard a loud bang and knew immediately what that sound was. The man I was walking towards dropped to the ground and his white shirt turned red as blood splattered everywhere. My flowers, the alter, the priest bloody!! I ran towards him screaming, when I got to him blood was oozing from his nose. I looked at the back to see my aunt standing there with a gun. At that moment, I knew…

Cupid is just irresponsible.

Cupid always touches my heart with tainted arrows, how hard is it to draw a new one just for me?

The latest hit was the most painful. There I was aimlessly walking about, minding my own business… Then the irresponsible bastard decided to take aim for my heart…

The subject is the most handsome man I have ever met, I gave myself to him and thought he gave back. How naive I was.

Cupid hit his heart with a few or one from women before me or during, I don’t know. All I know is that he wasn’t mine and Cupid had no business taking aim at my heart with his arrow!

Cupid is irresponsible! And I don’t know how to heal from the wound left by his arrow!

I don’t know how to let go.

Maybe it’s not Cupid that’s irresponsible.

Just maybe

It’s my heart

rachel

 

That man…..

His scent reminded me that I am a woman, made all tingly in places I had forgotten. I can smell and taste his soft lips against mine right now!!!. Thinking about him, I find myself biting into my lips hoping they were his as he kisses me deeply. Whenever we talk to him I find myself letting out these moans….. I think I want him!!!

 

Letter to the daughter I probably will never have

So at the beginning of this month I decided to say to stuff… Do I regret it? Just a little bit..

So I met a few people and said yes to stuff! But what I didn’t anticipate on was falling for the wrong person in the process. Lessons learned…

So my daughter this is for you:

1. Never accept less than you deserve, you will meet a lot of people. Some with insecurities you will never heal them because they have carried them for years, just be yourself. Never shrink for anyone. Follow your true North wherever that points. If a person has been cheated on and thinks you will do the same, run! That person isn’t ready for you or your love! They will always assume you will do the same. Leave them, no matter how much you love them. You can’t heal people, only time and allowance by the individual will heal them.

2. Don’t fall into the trap that you have to be a certain way to be a woman! Fuck it!!! You are a woman, dance to your own rhythm. Don’t worry about the expectations, they will catch on!

3. Health is a blessing, don’t jump into burning fires in the name of love! Know your status and that of your partner. If they don’t want to test or disclose, run!! You will thank yourself in the future!

4. Love comes softly… Gently.. It’s not imposing or proud, it’s gentle. You will know this when you feel it, it can’t be explained. Do not stay because it’s convenient or seems good, again follow your true North. If love seems imposed, it’s not it. The guy you meet at the end of the night in some concert isn’t it, you will meet the one at that start of the concert. Trust me! He will be gentle and look at you as if you were Nandi herself!!!

5. Never lose yourself in the name of love. Real love will allow you to do things. Never allow a guy to stop you from being with there for your friends in the name of love! That’s just possessive and it can never be healthy! Love is free and is offered with no conditions except “I love you and want you to be happy”.

6. If you going to date an older guy make sure he can match your sexual appetite! I don’t think I need to explain this, so I will leave it here….

7. Most importantly, love yourself my darling!!! Love you!! Do what makes you happy, for you!!! Again the right person will catch up!!!!! If not, at least you would have loved your life and experienced happiness in your own terms…

This isn’t the complete list but lessons learnt so far…

 

rachel

Relating

This is an odd one for me. Most people make friends quickly and easily but that has never been me, but you will not find me in alone at a party either. I am that girl laughing, sharing a joke and conversing with strangers. I have a lot of acquaintances but not so many friends, odd!!

When I turned 28 I asked myself who am I really? Why is my circle of friends small? I am talkative, extrovert and all round nice person, so why am I always by myself on weekends doing nothing? Then it dawned on me, I actually like it!!! Yep, I do!! No big reason I just like it….. I know I’ve said like a lot, one might think I am lying…

there are small reasons though. I am afraid of letting people into my real space. I am afraid of being vulnerable, being judged and labeled something I am probably not. I don’t really know why but I am like that. When I do allow a person into my space, I am like a penguin!!! I mate for life! Hurt me, I am there. Whatever you do, I am there. This hurts sometimes… A lot.

I don’t have all the answers but one thing I want to try for at least a month is to make real conversations at parties, at work, wherever. If a person asks me how I am, I will tell the truth. ” I am awesome! I am feeling lost! I am just enjoying the music! I am tired! I feel shitty!” All of it I am going to try and see how it goes. And if someone asks me to go to a party, concert or wherever  with them, I wont make up an excuse I will say yes!

So here’s to April of Yes!!! As I am posting this I feel it’s not ready to be posted here, but since this is the month of Yes, I have no choice but to post it.

Yes! Yes!

Rachel

Woman “mbokodo” you are on your own….

As a woman, a  young girl I was brought up to believe my father was my protector, provider and the guy who knew everything about anything. I always felt safe in my house even if a a lion could enter my house, my dad would kill before it got to me! Yep!

Was I sold a lie? Is that not what a man is? A protector? If the answer is yes then explain this:

1. Why do we have a video of an underage girl in an unfortunate situation  trending on Twitter? Underage 13! Why watch it? What do you want to see there? Is that how you treat your little sisters as well? Do you peak through their doors when they bathing as well? A grown ass man watching an underage girl? Sies!!! Amanyala!!!!

2. 8 women have been raped by the SAME group of men in a known taxi!! 8!! Where the fuck are our police? Why has it become normal for a woman to keep quiet than to speak up? Is it because you will not believe us? Or you will dump us cause you can’t deal with the shame? How is it my shame????

3. A woman was gang raped by 3 men, one guy comments ” Looking at her clothes she was asking for it, I would have joined them” Why does it matter what I was as wearing when I got raped? Do we need a “women dress code” if so please enlighten us as to how it should look. Is it because you can’t control yourself??? Fucken go buy it if you don’t know how to “court” a woman! Yes I said court!!!

4. The Spur incident? Must I even ask??? MEN stood by and watched a man threaten a woman??? MEN STOOD BY and took the video instead of intervening!!! Shaka must be turning in his grave!!

The very same men complain that we disrespect  them when we decide to do shit ourselves! Successful woman has become synonymous with lonely, sad spinster who needs get laid! These stereotypes are perpetrated daily by the grown ass men who don’t own shit, rape us, disrespect us, mistreat us but decided they going to sit on their ass all day and wait for the woman to provide for them! No wonder them we don’t respect you, we have taken your place!

Sold a dream or not, this can’t continue to be a status quo! Women must be allowed to do whatever they want with their bodies and lives whenever they want. It’s time for the men to introspect. Is this the world they want? Do we want little girls to feel unsafe in our world? If so, why even bring them to this world?

We need MEN, not to complete us or rape us but to partner with us! To protect us! To fight with and for us! We need men that are going to speak up against this violence!

MEN take your place! Find your place! All religion in the world talk about respect, not only for yourself but for others too! We are also human! WOMEN ARE HUMANS TOO!!!!!

WOMAN, unfortunately for now… You on your own…..

Love child

The Blogging Meetup

I am child born of love. My parents loved me so much they transferred all the love they had for each other to me, that’s why they broke up soon after my conception. So I am a love child as I always tell people.

There were times when being a love child wasn’t fun though, like having two addresses and splitting the holidays and listening to my mother bitch about how my dad had ruined her life!!! I am so over that though. This brings me to hat I want to write about today. Love is what happens between two people!!! Only two people!! 

My mother got married 10 years ago. I was 19 at the time and just didnt make sense. Why are you getting married so late? What were you waiting for? Who is this loser anyway? (Growing up with my awesome dad meant every other guy in…

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Dancing in the rain

Broken, bruised, defeated

at my lowest point

you came

Showed me I wasn’t alone

looked into my eyes

Told me screw this, dance in the rain friend

I didn’t want to get wet,

but you showed me how wet I was already

Your hand in mine

i let go and we danced in the rain…..

Whenever it rains

I am always reminded of you

Even if it’s scorching, I know rain will come again

and once again you will be right here in my heart

and we will dance in the rain

i miss you